Wednesday, January 26, 2011
27 January 2011 - Horrible and Terrible feeling - 1.53 p.m.
Hate this feeling.. Drop my mood to 0% . Have decide to hide myself from anyone expect those are close to me. Will not reply sms or hang up any call beside them . I need a lot of time to be alone , a lot of time to think . Sorry for the cause ...
27 January 2011 - Felt myself are very weak
Im used to be a cheerful friends along all my friends. I been try very hard to cheer myself up.. but everytime i did.. it only work for few hours. After few hours will become weak back ><" Most of the times.. when having trouble.. i used to drunk myself.. not to think much.. but after drunk gone.. everything is coming back. Kindness only will cause pain to the owner . Doing kind , never wish to get a goods return .. that should be how it works . I used to think in that way .. but no use.. sometime evil inside me take control in me. ><"
Everything she said now are hard for me to believe.. but i force myself to trust to.. but what my eyes see and what i heard is different . Yea.. there a lot explanation on it.. but always wondering .. everything just look like in a drama.. got that unlucky mer ? Everytime wor ? ><! New year , new thing , new memory .. but the old memory still coming along with my path. The only way to stop it is.. never met u again. But what the point u keep asking me to help her ?? Why not she ask the others to do it for her.. since her attention is on him . She never care my feeling.. all she care is herself and him. Fucking idiot . If i am a puppet it might be beautiful. But im a human..4 years being single.. now drop in a complicated relationship.. really dont know how to handle it..
Everytime i tell myself.. if i never protect myself.. no one will protect me.. but my heart keep on moving to her. ><" Feel wanna die.. i cant control myself .. When im needed.. she will attention in me.. when im not needed.. just like a puppet.. throw aways a side. Damm it. Always keep myself think positive.. but thing always turn out negative. What to do ?? I want a good 2011 years.. please.
Everything she said now are hard for me to believe.. but i force myself to trust to.. but what my eyes see and what i heard is different . Yea.. there a lot explanation on it.. but always wondering .. everything just look like in a drama.. got that unlucky mer ? Everytime wor ? ><! New year , new thing , new memory .. but the old memory still coming along with my path. The only way to stop it is.. never met u again. But what the point u keep asking me to help her ?? Why not she ask the others to do it for her.. since her attention is on him . She never care my feeling.. all she care is herself and him. Fucking idiot . If i am a puppet it might be beautiful. But im a human..4 years being single.. now drop in a complicated relationship.. really dont know how to handle it..
Everytime i tell myself.. if i never protect myself.. no one will protect me.. but my heart keep on moving to her. ><" Feel wanna die.. i cant control myself .. When im needed.. she will attention in me.. when im not needed.. just like a puppet.. throw aways a side. Damm it. Always keep myself think positive.. but thing always turn out negative. What to do ?? I want a good 2011 years.. please.
Monday, January 24, 2011
A g!rL wH0 cHanG3 mY v!3W
A girl run into my path on last year 2010 August . Our first time meet each others is at badminton court near kepong area .Her first image to me is , she is so white :) and she look like a china girl to me.. haha.. its because the way she tide up her hair :)
We start to be close at month of October. She give me a lot of caring , loving and attention . In before , nobody will care me until they own get angry but she did . Hehe.. if when she around me that time.. i sure hug her tight :) Everytime received her sms.. my mouth sure turn into U .. hehe.. i sense her caring all the times. She doing a good girl to me.. although her past might not.. but who mind she is a good girl or not.. The one i love is her. No matter how she gonna be.. my love still with her.
She teach me a lot , she stop me from cigarette.. and well , i totally can't do it but infront of her.. i can control it :) Maybe that is the power of love.. :) I wish to give her all the best.. even im tired or whatever happen on me.. >"<
But until 1 day.. 10th Dec.. everything between us have changed . That day , she seldom chat with me.. The feeling inside my heart just have worries . I wonder what happen to her. But really unexpected.. ><" After discover the issues.. my heart , my brain my everything are stop functioning . Har.. what the heck happen ? It hard for me to accept it . My girl .. i drop my soul because of it .. Yet.. she notice i have changed in the next day .. but you didn't tell me the truth.. Im just waiting for it to come out from her mouth.What am i to her.. ???? >"<
She gave me love , she gave me hope , she gave me caring , and she gave me a lot.. and she show me.. everything is fake ? AAaa.. the feeling i get now is heart crying but not my eyes. For few weeks , i pretend to be strong to fight this feeling . But im failed .. i still love her .
Sometimes i think is it im the one who stupid for doing all this . Hhmm.. But on the same times , i still think of her feeling .. haha.. love .. what is love ?? >< Until now.. she still important to me... didn't received her sms for every minute make me miss her and worry about her. ><
We start to be close at month of October. She give me a lot of caring , loving and attention . In before , nobody will care me until they own get angry but she did . Hehe.. if when she around me that time.. i sure hug her tight :) Everytime received her sms.. my mouth sure turn into U .. hehe.. i sense her caring all the times. She doing a good girl to me.. although her past might not.. but who mind she is a good girl or not.. The one i love is her. No matter how she gonna be.. my love still with her.
She teach me a lot , she stop me from cigarette.. and well , i totally can't do it but infront of her.. i can control it :) Maybe that is the power of love.. :) I wish to give her all the best.. even im tired or whatever happen on me.. >"<
But until 1 day.. 10th Dec.. everything between us have changed . That day , she seldom chat with me.. The feeling inside my heart just have worries . I wonder what happen to her. But really unexpected.. ><" After discover the issues.. my heart , my brain my everything are stop functioning . Har.. what the heck happen ? It hard for me to accept it . My girl .. i drop my soul because of it .. Yet.. she notice i have changed in the next day .. but you didn't tell me the truth.. Im just waiting for it to come out from her mouth.What am i to her.. ???? >"<
She gave me love , she gave me hope , she gave me caring , and she gave me a lot.. and she show me.. everything is fake ? AAaa.. the feeling i get now is heart crying but not my eyes. For few weeks , i pretend to be strong to fight this feeling . But im failed .. i still love her .
Sometimes i think is it im the one who stupid for doing all this . Hhmm.. But on the same times , i still think of her feeling .. haha.. love .. what is love ?? >< Until now.. she still important to me... didn't received her sms for every minute make me miss her and worry about her. ><
My life in 2010
2010 , for me.. is a tough years . Facing the problem of working , complicated relationship ,friends and family .
Working , my respectful manager.. have being force to leave the company.. no longer to work with him anymore.. ! He's the one teach me a lot in sales industry . Its very happy to working with him.. He's good and nice. Because of some problem , he have no choice but have to leave . ><" ! Been working together with him since 2008 May until 2010 July . :)
Complicated relationship , being single for 4 years.. since 2006 Jun until 2010 Oct . Thinking to build a career before drop into a relationship . The times being single.. really fun . So freedom as well.. until i met her . Heard her story and her past . Yes , is really pity . But i love her not because of sympathy , is because i really love her. Not her beauty , but her personalities . In fews month we know each others , but for me.. it like few years . She totally get my personalities as well in short few month . :) So happy got someone truly understand me beside my best buddies . Actually i'm very complicated to be understand , but she did to know me . >< ! Although there is something happen between us . Surely , i cant give her up easily . My love for her still there , but not dare enough to reach to her . She got my attention all the times , but i pretend not . Wonder if she notice it or not . Most of the times , i wish she was around with me to enjoy the hapiness together . Sadness , i will bear myself.. i dont wish she drop into sad with me . I knew i should be the man to cheer her up , to care her , to be there for her , bring her hapiness , delete her sadness . Everytime when she told me that she no well , im pretty worries , wish can bring her to doctor , that what i can do.. but she always refuse it >< Her health are like my life.. my dear. Well , since she refuse it , its ok .. i know she might think she can handle it.. so im ok with it . I should respect her decision . :) and i dont like to force her . Sometimes maybe im too selfish , i kinda dont like when she always invite her friend to go out together with both of us . >"< . As a cancerian , i have many plan of romance for both of us . But everytime also got 3rd party >< haihz . Well , my emotional , she always try to calm me , my mother caring might reach to her , but one thing she might not know , most of cancerian personalities is almost the same with a girl , For example , easy jealous , negative thinking , complicated thinking ;) . Everytime she stab on my waist , i feel happy.. haha.. i think i love it .As she know , im a very loyal human.. ah ah ah.. well , im sure myself is too :) Is not easy for me to fall in love with someone and not easy for me to give up someone easily.. Maybe im not good in relationship yet.. ! We both start with a secret brom both side.. and now we both have many secret in our heart.. what a weird huh ? Hehe.. !!What i know just caring , bear her burden , cheer her up .. but most of the time are no use on her >< , help her always , protect her , never make her worry me .>< Wish she will be the women holding on my back to not let me fall .. ^_^ !But currently my heart is stabbed by a needle. Just waiting her to pull it out ><" And if she have needle inside too , wish she will direct me to the needle , so i can pull it out ^_^ "
Friends , long time didnt hang out with the ChibiMaru Team group . Seem like all of us de friendship getting very weak . Normally we hang out as a team and crazy as a team .. nowaday.. only left few of us . As a leader , i need to strenghten our friendship . :)
Family , last years dont know what happen la.. my brother easily get sick and my mother leg getting weak and weak . If those bad thing could be transfer , i wish will be transfer on me , im strong enough to break those sick . Wish on the years 2011 , my family health will become stronger than previous ...
Working , my respectful manager.. have being force to leave the company.. no longer to work with him anymore.. ! He's the one teach me a lot in sales industry . Its very happy to working with him.. He's good and nice. Because of some problem , he have no choice but have to leave . ><" ! Been working together with him since 2008 May until 2010 July . :)
Complicated relationship , being single for 4 years.. since 2006 Jun until 2010 Oct . Thinking to build a career before drop into a relationship . The times being single.. really fun . So freedom as well.. until i met her . Heard her story and her past . Yes , is really pity . But i love her not because of sympathy , is because i really love her. Not her beauty , but her personalities . In fews month we know each others , but for me.. it like few years . She totally get my personalities as well in short few month . :) So happy got someone truly understand me beside my best buddies . Actually i'm very complicated to be understand , but she did to know me . >< ! Although there is something happen between us . Surely , i cant give her up easily . My love for her still there , but not dare enough to reach to her . She got my attention all the times , but i pretend not . Wonder if she notice it or not . Most of the times , i wish she was around with me to enjoy the hapiness together . Sadness , i will bear myself.. i dont wish she drop into sad with me . I knew i should be the man to cheer her up , to care her , to be there for her , bring her hapiness , delete her sadness . Everytime when she told me that she no well , im pretty worries , wish can bring her to doctor , that what i can do.. but she always refuse it >< Her health are like my life.. my dear. Well , since she refuse it , its ok .. i know she might think she can handle it.. so im ok with it . I should respect her decision . :) and i dont like to force her . Sometimes maybe im too selfish , i kinda dont like when she always invite her friend to go out together with both of us . >"< . As a cancerian , i have many plan of romance for both of us . But everytime also got 3rd party >< haihz . Well , my emotional , she always try to calm me , my mother caring might reach to her , but one thing she might not know , most of cancerian personalities is almost the same with a girl , For example , easy jealous , negative thinking , complicated thinking ;) . Everytime she stab on my waist , i feel happy.. haha.. i think i love it .As she know , im a very loyal human.. ah ah ah.. well , im sure myself is too :) Is not easy for me to fall in love with someone and not easy for me to give up someone easily.. Maybe im not good in relationship yet.. ! We both start with a secret brom both side.. and now we both have many secret in our heart.. what a weird huh ? Hehe.. !!What i know just caring , bear her burden , cheer her up .. but most of the time are no use on her >< , help her always , protect her , never make her worry me .>< Wish she will be the women holding on my back to not let me fall .. ^_^ !But currently my heart is stabbed by a needle. Just waiting her to pull it out ><" And if she have needle inside too , wish she will direct me to the needle , so i can pull it out ^_^ "
Friends , long time didnt hang out with the ChibiMaru Team group . Seem like all of us de friendship getting very weak . Normally we hang out as a team and crazy as a team .. nowaday.. only left few of us . As a leader , i need to strenghten our friendship . :)
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